![]() I had to go all the way back down the hall to receive my follow-up paperwork and, as the nurse so excitedly put it, get one more set of vitals! She asked if I could just wait in that room a little longer while she got everything ready. My eyes are bloodshot and swollen shut you ask what brought me in like I’m stopping by the fucking yacht club? How the fuck did you think this conversation would go? He then told me that I needed my checkout papers. Really? I’m crying at midnight in the fucking emergency room. I went to the front to checkout, where the checkout clerk happily greeted me with a, “So, what brings you in tonight?” When I answered him with, “I had a miscarriage,” He seemed a bit taken aback. Maybe if I tried really hard I could just wake up and Chris would be next to me and there would be a dog at my feet and a cat in my hair and I’d feel my belly and there would still be our little blueberry and we’d get up and make breakfast and everything would be totally fine.Īfter a minute I got dressed and left. I sat in that room and I cried and cried and cried and cried. It would all be fine.īut it wasn’t, and about 4 hours, a urine sample, a blood test and 3 different ultrasounds later my doctor told me with no matter of uncertainty that I was no longer pregnant. Plenty of people on plenty of forums have had almost the exact same thing. My mother-in-law packed Leila in the car-seat and as she rushed us to the hospital I Googled “bleeding at 8 weeks pregnant” and found plenty of cases where everything turned out fine. No pain, no warning, just what the fuck oh my fucking god there is so much blood. Then that night as I was standing in the kitchen making dinner, it was like a faucet turned on. I felt so good that when my mom asked how it was going that very morning I told her that I really didn’t even feel pregnant at all. My last pregnancy I was incredibly depressed, but not with this one. Not even the slightest bit of morning sickness or food aversions. This entire pregnancy was going swimmingly. I’ve never had to cope with something…like this. I’ve never experienced an emptiness like this. I’ve never experienced a sadness like this. I’ve been through a lot of really sad fucking shit but this is just… Right now, in my bed, at 1:44 in the morning. So I created the Catalina workshop as an alternative, Chris and I started planning for baby #2 and life was pretty damn good. Our family was growing again! We told barely a few close family and friends, plus the Bali workshop attendees, because unfortunately as of February 1st of this year Bali is on the “Don’t Even Fucking Think of Traveling There” list for anyone pregnant or looking to become pregnant within the next 60 days. See a couple months ago I found out I was pregnant again. Heartbreakingly, incomprehensibly, devastatingly sad. This entire situation is uncharted territory for me. Frankly, I have no idea what the best thing is to do right now. So maybe the “keep it private” idea is bullshit. ![]() Maybe this is the line where I need to step back and say, “You know what, some shit is just too personal and painful for others to be let in.” But then again, I’ve followed that rule for years, and in all honesty, the longer I’ve kept something a secret, the more it hurts. Part of me wonders if this is something I should be writing about at all. I’m just awake in my bed, desperately trying to make any sense of this weekend, and so often the only way I know how to do that is to write about it. Even as I’m writing I’m not even sure I’m going to publish it. I’m really not even sure how to start this. Fair warning: this is not going to be a happy post.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |